Sarah over on her blog (sorry I can't link you to it directly here but you can click on my links at the side) is having problems with her 'Resident Ado' which many of us have either been through, are going through or will go through. My problem at the moment is not with the next generation but the precedent generation...
About three years ago my brother and his family, myself and my family and my Mum thought it would be a good idea to pool our ressources and buy a three generation/three family home. We worried estate agents, we trawled the internet and visited houses until we were so tired we couldn't remember what we had visited. We saw a couple of house that would fit the bill, but somewhere in the back of our minds, I think we knew that once the excitement died down, it might not be such a good idea after all. All the children were over the moon with the idea and wanted us to buy every house that had a swimming pool! Long story short, we all managed to find something wrong with the houses that were on the possible list, and gradually the idea fizzled out.
My Mum who is 78, has lived alone now for the last ten years since her companion died. She is in good health apart from glaucoma which has suddenly hit her, and has only recently been diagnosed. She lives in a dear little house and has some very good, helpful and charming neighbours. She still drives (too fast), enjoys going out and socialising, so all in all, she has nothing to complain about. Brother number 2 and I joke at times that she will sell the house and move into a home when the cat dies (he is now 13). The sale of the house would allow her to go into a very nice home and leave her income for incidental expenses, so she is in a lucky position.
Two months ago, the elder of my brothers died, which of course was traumatic for all of us, but particularly for Mum, who lost her eldest son. This is not in the order of things and must be the worst thing that can happen in a parents' life. Last week she started making 'noises' about me moving over there - buying a larger house with a granny flat, and of course, there begins my dilemma.
I cannot expect her to come and live in Switzerland - I can't take her away from where she has lived for the last 40 years and she would hate the winter here (even though the winters are far better than in England!). I cannot leave with my son still in school - I had a battle getting him out of the Swiss system and back into the French Baccalaureat, so I cannot expect him at the age of 16 to be dumped into the English system - the only solution there is to send him to the Alliance Française in London, which apparently is terribly 'recherché' now and the waiting list is impossible; he would have priority over the English children as he is French and has been educated in the French system all his life, but even that is no guarantee of a place...
I know that Mum is going through a terrible time at the moment and is desperate for her children; I know that things will start to get a little easier for her and that the loss of my brother will slowly become more bearable, but the problem concerning the rest of her life is not going to go away. She is frightened that she will sooner or later lose her sight and therefore her independence, so it either means a home or her living with either myself or my brother.
Even if she moves into a 5* home, it is a home none the less, and the idea of my mother being treated as a 3 year-old and being totally dependent on 'strangers' seems awful. But can I live with my mother? I know none of you can answer this question but perhaps you have coped with the same kind of problem, or are about to - if so, I would appreciate some feed-back.
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Chapter Two in Brussels. Views on life in general by a grumpy old(ish) woman and edited by her dog, Angus.
After two and a half years high up in the Swiss Alps, January 2008 has seen me move to Brussels - perhaps I am allergic to mountains after all! A new life for me and my wee, four-legged Scottish gentleman who is busy digging huge holes in the lawn!
2009 update
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24 comments:
Have you asked her if she'd move to Switzerland? My dad - who is also 78 - has always said he would love to live over here...and that when I become a famous writer and can afford a house with a Granny flat, he'll be on the next plane out. My mother is a wee bit more reticent simply because my four siblings and their families (so - grandchildren) are all in England.
My parents have just moved after 40-odd years in the same town. I was surprised - I thought they would never leave the house where we grew up. But they are very happy in their new bungalow.
I really do think the idea of a Granny flat is marvellous. I'll never be able to provide one unfortunately. I also know that I could never live in the same house as my parents. But why don't you suggest it to your mum? Does she come over to visit sometimes? You never know...
sorry about that...my children are always saying that I repeat myself :-)
There you are - I deleted the repeat!
No, Mum won't come to live in Switzerland - she rarely goes to England nowdays - she has become very insular.
Oh - that reveals my ignorance...where does your mother live then?
She lives in the Channel Islands.
This is such a difficult thing, Louise. I'm removed from it, being in Canada, but my sister is going through it with our mother, who turns 89 next month.
It seems to me that you cannot easily mix the generations and that whatever you owe and to whom, you owe most to the younger generation and not the older. You shouldn't be expected to uproot your own life and that of your son. It is absolutely too much to ask.
My mother, who has sight and hearing problems (to say nothing of her heart) lives in a flat in a controlled complex that gives her a certain amount of autonomy. She is approaching the point where a nursing home would seem to be the obvious and most desirable option, though she absolutely oppooses this My sister (I can act as no more than an ineffectual surrogate) is looking for one where she wouldn't be treated as a 3-year-old. Such places do certainly exist.
It's a horrible situation to be in ,Louise, but I would counsel you to do nothing fast. From what you say, your mother still has a lot going for her, which gives you a certainly luxury of time. Use it to look around and consider the options carefully. But, hard as it may seem, don't give them all equal weight. Your needs and those of your son should come first.
A recurrent theme of people handling the ageing and eventual death of parents is the feeling of guilt. For your own good future health don't indefinitely put off those things that you really feel you should do. I frequently visited and had visit my parents during their last years and now look back happily on these cherished moments. I remember many visits to parks and restaurants during my parents stays in Orléans. I took days off and holidays in a busy schedule to create the time for these moments.
But old people can be dictatorial. If you feel that demands are unreasonable then they should be denied. My sister, who is a social worker, can cite any number of incidents of totally unreasonable behaviour by old people. But be clear in your own mind why the refusal was necessary to avoid later feelings of guilt.
Both my wife's family and mine have experienced many problems of ageing and death. Despite frequent discussions and visits to prospective homes there was only one occasion when somebody became incapacitated. Our experience is that the total loss of indepedence and death follow fairly shortly one behind the other. So don't assume a home will be needed.
The homes I have visited have been in most cases agreeable. I think it is possible to avoid the 3 year old problem, though it depends on finance and the degree of incapacity.
Finally it is a shame that Colin Berry is not amongst us to give the opinion of a cantakerous old sod.
Oh Louise, you and your mother have my sympathy....
My mother's 80 and has been a widow since she was 49. She has 4 children none of whom live in the same country as her or each other. She sold her house 18 months ago and decided to move into "sheltered" accomodation: she rents an apartment in a complex reserved for those aged 50+. There is a warden and panic buttons in every room.
She doesn't like it hating the company of old women and the gossip and bitchiness but it is a solution and she's not forced to socialise with the other occupants. She also misses owning her own house.
We bought our present house hoping that she would move into the guest studio but in the end she found she couldn't cut herself off from people and places she'd known all her life.
That's our experience for what it's worth. While your mother may not want to move permanently to Switzerland she might be reassured by being able to spend a month or so at a time with you.
Whatever you decide I wish you good luck,,
Angela
Thank you all for your comments. Will reply tomorrow - sorry but I'm up at 530 every morning!
If your mum doesn't want to come and live with you, then that at least takes off some of the weight. Really, all you can do is make sure she's as comfortable as possible in the Channel Islands and only on her own when she wants to be. That's been one of the major problems with my mother since my father died -- balancing her need to be alone with her fear of loneliness. And being able to tell one from the other. Hard as it is to say this, you also have to recognize that old people can be very manipulative.
Again, thank you all for your comments last night. I'll reply in the order of postings, so it will probably be muddled!
Gigi: if ever I lived with my mother, it would only be in a 'granny flat' situation; there is no way I could live permanently with my Mum, or she with me, for that matter. One cannot throw two people together who haven't lived with each other for 50 years and expect them to get on, even if they are mother and daughter! Both she and I are aware of this.
Bill: I'm very aware that my priority lies with my children first, especially with my son who still has three years to go at the lycée. I would hope to have at least two years grace, at which time Pierre would be 18, could finish his last year here in CH either as a boarder or a paying guest with a family, and most importantly would avoid any conflict with my ex who squeals about his children but has contributed nothing to their upbringing since we divorced six years ago...
Richard: yes, there is a lot of guilt attached, isn't there? I feel that if she went into a home, she might just give up and die - my paternal grandmother did just that. I am also aware that she is playing on my emotions and that she can be extremely selfish. I give her as much time as I can - I ring at least three times a week, I go and see her, school holidays permitting, and she still complains to brother number 2 (the golden child!) that I don't do enough - he doesn't ring from one week to the next, and is literally just over the water! This is also part of her character, playing one off against the other!
Angela: I would hope that if my Mum did go into a home, it would be into something like where your mother lives - a little flat within a controlled environment where she can or cannot mix with the others, depending. The worry is that in these 50+ 'sheltered' homes (my God! I could qualify!) is that I suppose that most of the residents are 70+ and there is probably a lack of stimulous for those that are still alert and fairly active. Older people do still need to inter-react with other generations to keep them on the ball.
Bill: this is a problem, isn't it? The need to be alone and the fear of being alone. After my brother's funeral in England, Mum couldn't get on a plane fast enough to get back home - although she had only been in England for 5 days and we were staying with brother number 2, all she wanted was to get back to her little house and the cat. Both my brother and myself were terribly guilt-ridden about her going home to an empty house, but that was what she wanted, and if she had stayed on, she would have become difficult and demanding and made everyone's life hell.
I'm splitting this posting in two, in the hope that it will be slightly more digestible!
What worries me at the moment is that my Mum is becoming cantankerous - is this her true nature or would it improve not being by herself? That is the question.
An example : my 'wicked stepmother' (who does come to visit me!) decided on her last trip that we should have a family Christmas together here in Verbier this year (yes, I know we are only in March, but she is the 'family organiser'). Basically, 'my' family would stay here, and the 'step/half' family would rent a chalet (for obvious reasons that I cannot put up 20 people and also one of my half brothers has three small children, which my mother will not tolerate...). All the family were consulted and we all agreed it was a great idea - apart from Mum.
This is going to become a major undertaking, organising 20 people over two weeks; although we won't be eating out all the time, one cannot, for example, book a table for 20 at the last minute over the Christmas period...
Mum is already making demands - if I can't fly directly to Geneva there is absolutely no way I am going; no, she can't fly directly to Geneva, but she can fly directly to Southampton, and then fly to Geneva with my brother.
If you think I am going to stay in a chalet with three small screaming children, you've got another think coming. No, she is staying with me.
If your stepmother thinks that I'm going to fork out in restaurants for all the family - no way. No, we are all forking out a sum at the beginning of the holiday to cover such things.
You haven't got English TV. No I haven't, but I will install it if it keeps the peace and she can watch Corrie every day.
And the list goes on, and on, and on. And we are only in March!
And if she doesn't come? She will stay at home and with a few of her contemporaries, they will have a Christmas lunch together, and when we ring on Christmas morning, she will cry down the phone and we will all spend the rest of the day feeling guilty. Sounds like a whole load of fun, doesn't it?!!
Okay, I have bored you all enough with my jolly little family!
This is a situation that has been popping up in my head from time to time too, although it's not pressing right now.
The only experience I've had of the need to rehouse an aged parent was when my grandmother had to move out of her overly big home. She managed to move into sheltered flats just up the road and quite frankly it took ten years off her. She became lively, interested, youthful and happy.
It was the best thing that could have happened to her. She didn't want to move away but didn't want to go into a home.
Personally, I would find it very difficult to live with my mother again. Impossible probably. I would also not want to go back to the UK and remove the boys from their life, their father and their schooling.
There are no easy solutions in these circumstances and I wish you luck, Louise.
PS thanks for the mention! :)
All I can say extra is that people don't generally improve with age and often their tetchier characteristics are brought out with being alone, ill and the rest.
Something to look forward to...
This is what worries me - I'm sure she will get more and more grumpy as each year passes (and me too!).
And suddenly, an awful thing I have realised. My little black four-legged friend would be in quarantine for six months, despite a zillion jabs and not a rabid mole in sight...
The dog is an important part of your family and deserves consideration, Louise. Perhaps not as much as any of the human members but six months of quarantine is not to be undertaken lightly.
My experience, both with my parents and my in-laws, is that cantankerousness absolutely does go hand-in-hand with advancing age.
My mother is possessive, likes to be in control and thus also is manipulative. I talk to her on the phone every weekend and generally hang up wracked with guilt for not being closer and in more constant attendance. And yet in the past when I've flown over to visit, all she's interested in is a 20-minute visit every day (I stay with my sister) and then she's had enough of me and wants to go back her own little world. From what my sister tells me, she's actually happier being able to tell people about her son in Canada, without the complicating factor of having him present.
Yes, I have that feeling about my Mum at times - I think the anticipation of our visits actually outweighs our being there.
Like 'cantankerousness' - does that exist? Cantankerous doesn't exist in my Penguin dictionary - very odd.
It certainly exists here. The Canadian Oxford Dictionary gives it as the noun form of cantankerous. And it's a lovely word.
I don't doubt your word...as Gigi said the other day, try saying it after a drink or six! (No, I shall not have six drinks to see if I can still pronounce it!).
Hmm. I might, though....
That of course, is for you to decide.
You might feel rather cantankerous tomorrow morning, though!
I feel that if elderly parents need to be nearer their children, then it is they who should move. You have more complex issues than your mother, as you have your son to consider, as well as your own needs.
Although your mother is unwilling to move, I think you should repeat your invitations to her and show her you would be very happy to have her near you.
(I don't think it is possible to totally avoid the guilt trap, though! I think that is inevitable!)
All the best, anyway.
Thanks for your comment, a.d. It is a difficult question and I only hope that I can play osterichs for the next couple of years.
Maybe I am just worrying over nothing and am going through a guilt phase (don't we all?) and she will suddenly announce that she has found her dream 'sheltered house' and whizz off there at high speed...
I was messing around this morning looking for new links from my blog, so I was delighted when your posting appeared - I have added your name to my links - hope that is ok?!
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